Ever found yourself shutting down in a tense meeting? Or maybe you’ve sent an email that, in hindsight, was a little more… aggressive than necessary? The thing is, most of us don’t just develop these behaviours as adults. A lot of our knee-jerk reactions to stress are actually holdovers from childhood—patterns we learned early on and carried straight into our professional lives.
We recently talked with the people at Siren Training, who specialise in workplace mental health first aid, and they emphasised how common these patterns are. This isn’t about blaming anyone for how they deal with conflict. It’s more about recognising that those reactions didn’t come from nowhere. And if we can identify them, we can start doing something about them. Because let’s be honest—navigating workplace conflict with outdated coping mechanisms is about as effective as trying to fix a leaky pipe with duct tape.
The Lingering Echoes of Childhood Coping Mechanisms
We all had ways of dealing with tough situations as kids. Some of us withdrew, some lashed out, and some bent over backwards to make sure everyone was happy. The problem? Those same tendencies tend to show up at work, just in slightly different forms.
Avoidance: The Disappearing Act
Remember that kid who used to shut down whenever they were in trouble? The one who stayed silent when things got tough, hoping the problem would just go away? Well, they might be the colleague who ghosts you when a project starts getting stressful. Maybe they avoid answering emails, dodge difficult conversations, or find ways to quietly disappear when tension rises.
Avoidance might feel like a way to maintain peace, but it actually does the opposite. When one person shuts down, it forces others to either pick up the slack or escalate the issue further. And let’s face it—no one likes being left hanging in a high-pressure situation.
Aggression: The All-Caps Email Sender
Then there’s the kid who used to lash out when they felt threatened—the one who yelled, slammed doors, or picked fights. That same impulse doesn’t just disappear in adulthood. Instead, it might show up as passive-aggressive comments in a meeting, an unnecessarily harsh Slack message, or an all-caps email that makes everyone tense up.
The thing about aggression is that it often comes from fear. When someone feels backed into a corner, their fight instinct kicks in. But in a professional setting, that approach can damage relationships and make conflict worse instead of solving it.
People-Pleasing: The Chronic Overcommitter
Some kids learn early that the best way to avoid trouble is to always say “yes.” These are the ones who made themselves as agreeable as possible to stay on everyone’s good side. As adults, they might be the ones who overcommit, say yes to everything, and burn themselves out trying to keep the peace.
While people-pleasing can make someone seem like a team player, it often leads to resentment and exhaustion. When someone is constantly bending over backwards to avoid conflict, they eventually hit a breaking point—and that’s when the bottled-up frustration spills over.
The Workplace as a Stage for Unresolved Scripts
So what happens when all these old coping mechanisms collide in the workplace? Well, you get a whole lot of unnecessary conflict. Instead of dealing with issues head-on, people fall into familiar patterns, playing out the same scripts they’ve been following since childhood.
Think about a time you had a disagreement with a colleague. Were you actually mad at them, or was it more about feeling unheard, unappreciated, or dismissed—things that probably go way back? Recognising these patterns doesn’t mean excusing bad behaviour, but it does mean we can start to be a little more intentional about how we respond.
Self-awareness is the first step. If you can catch yourself falling into an old pattern—shutting down, snapping, overcommitting—you can interrupt it before it spirals. And if you start recognising these patterns in others, you can approach conflicts with a little more patience and understanding.
Emotional Regulation as a Trainable Skill
Here’s the good news: emotional regulation isn’t just something you either have or you don’t. It’s a skill, and like any skill, it can be developed. The problem is, we don’t really treat it that way. Companies invest in leadership training, technical skills, and productivity hacks, but how often do they offer actual strategies for handling stress and conflict in a healthy way?
Identifying Triggers
One of the most useful things anyone can do is figure out what sets them off. Maybe it’s feeling ignored in a meeting, being micromanaged, or getting critical feedback. Whatever it is, recognising your triggers gives you a chance to pause before reacting. Instead of slipping into your default response, you can choose a more productive way to handle the situation.
Communicating Under Stress
Ever notice how much harder it is to say what you actually mean when you’re upset? That’s because stress hijacks the rational part of your brain, making it way easier to react emotionally. One way to counter this is to slow things down—literally. Taking a few deep breaths before responding can make a huge difference.
Another trick? Try using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard in these conversations.” It shifts the focus from blaming the other person to expressing your own experience, which makes it way easier to have a productive discussion.
Reframing Negative Emotions
It’s easy to see stress, frustration, or anxiety as purely negative, but emotions are just information. Instead of pushing them away, try asking, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?” Maybe frustration means your boundaries are being crossed. Maybe anxiety means you care about doing a good job. When you reframe emotions this way, they become tools instead of obstacles.
Practical Steps for Organisations
Emotional regulation isn’t just an individual responsibility—it’s something workplaces can and should support.
Training That Actually Helps
Companies invest in all kinds of professional development, so why not include emotional intelligence training? This doesn’t have to be some big, corporate initiative. Even small things—like a short workshop on stress management or a lunch-and-learn session on active listening—can make a difference.
Normalising Emotional Awareness
A lot of people avoid talking about emotions at work because they don’t want to seem unprofessional. But let’s be real—emotions are always there, whether we acknowledge them or not. Creating a culture where it’s okay to talk about stress, frustration, and conflict openly can help prevent those emotions from bubbling over in unhealthy ways.
Encouraging Self-Reflection
It’s easy to point fingers in a workplace conflict, but real change happens when people look at their own patterns. Encouraging employees to reflect on how they typically respond to stress—without judgment—can go a long way. The more people understand themselves, the easier it is to break out of old habits.
A Workplace with Less Drama and More Understanding
Imagine a workplace where people were just a little more aware of their own emotional patterns. Where instead of lashing out or shutting down, they had the tools to handle stress in a way that didn’t make everything worse. Where conflicts didn’t have to escalate into full-blown drama because people actually knew how to de-escalate tension.
That kind of workplace isn’t some impossible dream—it’s just a matter of shifting the way we think about emotional regulation. If we treated it like any other skill, if we gave people the tools they actually need, we might just make work a whole lot easier for everyone.
And really, wouldn’t that be nice?